I’m between sizes in both shoes and clothing. I feel like it’s always been this way. The smaller size squeezes my internal organs, yet the bigger size doesn’t hug me like a familiar friend either. I stare at my closet and often think, No, No, No, Maybe?, No, I have nothing to wear! Nothing fits exactly like it should. Why does this feel like this applies to so many aspects of my life. Stuck in the middle.
Let’s start from the beginning as an average to below average student. Entering kindergarten all bright eyed and curious, I didn’t realize how quickly the system would cram me into a folder labeled mediocre, then herd me with all my fellow mediocre peers. Never stepping foot into a gifted program, in fact no one even mentioned this was a “thing” until I heard other peers, ones I wasn’t given much of a chance to socialize with, talking about their classes.
I accepted the fact that I was in the middle, not the smartest or the dumbest kid in school. I accepted that not much was expected of me, no one would vote me most likely to succeed or even class clown. I didn’t stand out, I just shuffled along. College was no different.
Let’s fast forward, today I’m a middle class, white woman, with three kids, a dog, and a cat, and now a goldfish won at the local carnival. A vanilla existence on paper. Though, I’m a little crazy – okay I’m not crazy, but I am anxious about everything. Things I don’t need to be anxious about seem to worm their way into my head and tell me to PANIC. I have been getting better, at least in recognizing that the panic undertones can be acknowledged and then released. However, I still get these deteriorating ideas that lend me no love, and I’m tired of it.
My therapist suggested medication or at least talking to someone about medication. I have lived uncomfortably and comfortably on this middle ground my entire life. Straddling fine and chaos most of my life. I deal with it, for the most part. I have enjoyed my therapist so far, but now I feel disconnected from her. I’ve never wanted medication, nor have I ever taken any. There is this overwhelming idea that I should at least take it into consideration.
My sheep mentality is looking for the herd. Hey guys?! Do we go this way or that way?
No answers. I ask the question aloud and I hear various answers from various people. It comes down to one of those decisions I have to make for myself. Sometimes the middle isn’t so bad, breaking away from it however, is hard once you’ve been inside the bubble for so long.